


my favorite new illusion

by liveyourtemptation



Category: Tanis (Podcast)
Genre: Light Horror, M/M, Post Season 3, canon-typical mindfuck, ellis is shady yet charming, irreality, nic needs a break
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-11
Updated: 2017-08-11
Packaged: 2018-12-14 01:38:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,623
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11772783
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/liveyourtemptation/pseuds/liveyourtemptation
Summary: He doesn't say this out loud. Never. Not even to Alex or MK. Because it sounds awful and cynic and he doesn't want to believe it. But it's been boiling inside him for so long; and he thinks Ellis can take it. “I think- -” His voice comes out as a rough whisper. “I think Tanis is the bad dream this world is having."OR. Cameron Ellis rescues Nic. Or does he?





	my favorite new illusion

_The quest was over for his group of Seekers. In ‘The Calm,” time stops, or slows, or disappears altogether. You know that the Runner never enters “The Calm.” You know that the Runner brings those who are looking, the Seekers. You know that the Seekers, and only the Seekers may enter ‘The Calm.” In Tanis, if they’re lucky, your seekers dreams can become reality. If they’re not, the Seeker enters a nightmare world, an unimaginable hell of their own creation._

 

 

Amalia and Alex are laughing in Nic's mind when he wakes up. For a moment he has trouble separating the memory from reality. It had been a summer afternoon in Nic's apartment, the girls' hair mingling on their shoulders, their feet kicked up on the couch table. He is in a cabin now.

 

Not _the_ cabin. Just a cabin.

 

There are windows and the sky behind them is gray, a promise of rain. The interior is rustic. In one corner is a kitchenette. There is a big wooden table. Nic is lying in a bed in another corner of the room. There is a couch and shelves filled with books and instruments.

 

Once again Nic doesn't know where he is.

 

You'd think you'd get used to the sensation of waking up in a strange environment but the shock still snaps Nic awake instantly. He sits up even though his body protests. He is in Russia. At least he hopes he is still in Russia. His finger dig into the colorful quilt that has been thrown over him. His head is ringing but the blur sleeps. He wants to reach for his phone but he is wearing nothing but his shirt and boxers. He looks around the room for his clothes when the door opens.

 

It shouldn't surprise him when Cameron Ellis enters the cabin. With him a rush of cold forest air comes into the room; the familiar smell of wet moss and bark.

 

Ellis looks ridiculous, expensive parka and shining shoes. Like a tourist and not a scientist. To be fair, Nic isn't even sure if Ellis is a scientist. Maybe he is just a manager or an occultist or a criminal. Whatever he is,when he enters the room Nic relaxes on cue. Ellis should be the last person he should be happy to see, except maybe for Cult of Tanis Paul and the figures out of his nightmares, but here they are anyway.

 

“I see you're awake,” Ellis comments, closing the door behind him and taking of the hood of his parka. He is wearing one of his ugly scarves and it looks awful out of place here.

 

“Where am I?” Nic gets sick of hearing these words out of his own mouth.

 

“Still in Tunguska.” Ellis sheds his parka, then sits down on the bed next to Nic. He reaches for him and Nic tenses. “Nic. I just need to check your bandages. You hit your head pretty bad.”

 

Nic reaches for his head reflexively. Yeah, there is a thick layer of bandages. That explains why he feels like his head has been scraped out from the inside. He gestures for Ellis to go ahead with a sigh.

 

As Ellis unwraps the bandages from his head Nic realizes that they have never been this close. Usually there is desk and a handful of unanswered questions between them.

 

Ellis speaks quietly. “The cult again, Nic? Really?” It's a gentle chiding, the judgment in those words hidden behind soft hands. “I know I don't always appear as the most trustworthy person. But what has the cult done that you let them hurt you over and over again?”

 

There is bitterness coiled inside of Nic, words bitter on his tongue. “At least they try to share with me. Even if they're exceptionally bad at it.”

 

Ellis is done with the bandages and looks at him with a puzzled look on his face. “That's one way to say it.” One of his hands is on Nic's cheek as he turns his face to inspect the wound. Nic looks at Ellis' face. Once again he wonders how old he really is. Nic would guess somewhere in his forties but given the position he is holding in TeslaNova he might be much older. Or maybe the deep lines around his eyes and mouth mask his youth.

 

“Looks good,” Ellis mutters and it takes Nic a moment to realize that he is talking about the scrap on Nic's head. Ellis gets up and returns a moment later with a first aid kit. He gets to work disinfecting the wound. Nic stares at his own hands.

 

“Can I trust you?” Maybe it's a childish question. Nic knows what MK thinks about it; she thinks Nic should trust no one, not even herself. But he can't live his life like that, he isn't made for it.

 

Ellis stops to look at Nic; long and serious. If he heard some of the desperation in Nic's voice he doesn't let it shine through. “Depends,” He answers.

 

“On what?” This is their usual game of question/half-answer but somehow not at all.

 

“You can trust me not to lie to you. You can trust me not to let any harm come to you.” Ellis voice is barely over a whisper.

 

Nic chokes on a laugh. He doesn't believe that Ellis is so delusional that he doesn't know that he is constantly lying by omission or that he is endangering Nic's health by sending him into the breach. But he really seems to believe what he is saying now. It's not worth the discussion. Nic is too tired and too scared of what pushing this topic might reveal.

 

Later Ellis prepares dinner and it's ridiculous like everything about him. It's not even that he is flaunting his money or his lifestyle in Nic's face or at least just very subtly, but still. Ridiculous is the only word Nic can think as he takes another bite of the smoked salmon. Of course Ellis can cook and enjoys a good bottle of red wine in the Russian hinterland.

 

They eat in comfortable silence like old friends even though they are hardly friends at all. Nic doesn't know what he would call Ellis. Acquaintance isn't the right word for it either. Alex says Nic loves to hate him, but that's probably because she experiences his weekly tantrums about Ellis not cooperating. The truth is, Nic doesn't hate Ellis. Lately he found himself visiting him more often when he runs into a dead end or after listening to another horrifying hypnosis session. Nic tells himself he does it because Ellis still hasn't told him everything. Not because of his calm voice or the cheeky grin when they both know he is being evasive.

 

“Do you now know what happened to the others?”

 

Ellis looks up from his plate. “No. I ran into them in the last weeks from time to time. But there has been no sign of the cult since I found you.”

 

“Where? Where did you find me?”

 

“In the center.”

 

“How did you know I was there?”

 

Ellis takes a sip of the wine. “I tried to call you. Your coworkers told me that you flew to Russia. Didn't take a lot of guessing where to look.”

 

“You looked for me?” Nic doesn't think about what could have happened if he had stayed out there any longer, alone and unconscious.

 

Ellis just looks at him. Nic drops his gaze. He doesn't ask why he isn't in a hospital. He doesn't ask what this cabin is. He doesn't ask what Ellis is doing here. He doesn't ask what he wants Nic to do.

 

Nic had contemplated pulling an Alex Reagan on Ellis before, mostly just for entertainment. Alex has always been more lax with her journalistic integrity; a smile or promise slipping easy from her lips to get what she wants. Sometimes Nic envies her ruthlessness. When Ellis is being especially vague and frustrating Nic wishes he could be like Alex, slip under Ellis skin, turn his head until he spills all his secrets. Nic is pretty sure that Ellis would be receptive to his efforts. He isn't sure if he could pull it through, if he wouldn't get lost somewhere in between.

 

Right now the possibility simmers close under the surface of his skin but he is content to leave it there.

 

Through a door in the back of the cabin there is a small, modern bathroom. Ellis offers him a change of clothes and Nic accepts even though he is pretty sure they are Ellis' clothes. He showers, the warm water settling the last of his nerves. He watches himself in the mirror over the sink. A long time he stares into his eyes, trying to determine if there is something else behind them. But they look like regular old Nic so he brushes his teeth and runs his hands through his hair until they are somewhat tamed. The pajama pants and shirt are slightly too big for him but they are comfortable, soft against his skin.

 

When he gets out of the bathroom Ellis is sitting on the couch reading a book in the light of a lamp. Nic takes a moment to study his comfortable slouch that seems so out of character for the usually rigid business man. This looks more like a man Nic could imagine curling up next to. He pushes that thought away immediately. The image lingers.

 

“I think I'm going to sleep.” Nic stops in front of the bed. He feels bad for taking over the only bed in the room.

 

“That's probably a good idea. You still have to recover.” Ellis doesn't look up from the book.

 

“Um.” Nic scratches the back of his hand. “I can take the couch. I'm already- -”

 

Ellis silences him with a look, but it's not harsh. A quiet smile narrows Ellis' eyes. “Please, Nic. Don't make me argue with you about this.” He directs his attention back to his book without waiting for Nic's response. He is still smiling.

 

Nic climbs under the covers, too tired to argue, heart too heavy to tease. He throws a last glance to Ellis still engrossed in his book before closing his eyes.

 

He wakes up on grassy ground. There is the hushed murmur of people around him.

 

“Hey, Nic.”

 

It's Paul. Nic sits up. He is cold. It's close to night fall. It looks like he is back in the clearing where the cult had grouped together to witness their reckoning. Back? Had he been somewhere else? Yes, he remembers Veronica. Or did that really happen?

 

“Hey, buddy. Shit, that looks bad.” Paul is kneeling next to him. He has one hand at the back of Nic's head, and then the pain filters in. Nic hisses and topples over.

 

“Looks like you hit your head.”

 

“Did I pass out?” Nic asks.

 

“Must have.” Paul stares at him without a trace of emotion on his face. “You were on the ground suddenly.”

 

“For how long?”

 

“Uh. A minute maybe. Not long.”

 

“I gotta go.”

 

“No.” Suddenly Paul grabs his arm hard. “You can't leave. You are our link. You can hear it, can't you?”

 

The thing is: Nic can hear it. He doesn't dare to name it. He also remembers his hypnosis session where he said the exact same thing: He is a link. A bridge that something wants to use to climb into this world. It feels like it's climbing out of his guts up his throat.

 

He frees himself out of Paul's grips and stands. The people around are watching them. They could easily stop him but they just watch him walk away. The blur leads his steps; its familiarity almost calming.

 

He dials Cameron Ellis' number and prays. _Please pick up. Please pick up. Please pick up. You said you were looking for me. Find me quick._ The call goes straight to voice mail.

 

“Hey, this is Nic. I'm in Tunguska and something bad is happening here. You - - Can you. I need your help. Find me.”

 

The sun has sunken behind the tree line but it's not dark. Nic looks up in the sky and there is the comet. Or whatever it is. It's happening now. Again. Or it's still happening. Nic feels heat on his skin. The thing falls slowly, almost in slow motion. Nic starts walking.

 

“What are you doing there, Nic?”

 

Nic turns and finds Veronica standing a few feet away from him, hands on her hips.

 

“What am I supposed to be doing?” Nic asks.

 

“Well, you said you were going to take a piss, but this looks more like stargazing.”

 

Nic looks up into the sky but the comet is gone. Stars sprinkle the dark blue even though there is still a light stripe in the West. Nic guesses that this is how low the sun will go here this time of year.

 

“Nic. We need to hurry.”

 

“I'm coming.” Nic joins Veronica where she is standing. “No ribbons this time?” He asks. She looks at him puzzled. “I thought we are looking for Tanis,” Nic says. “Or the Russian Tanis, or whatever.”

 

“Nic.” Veronica shakes her head. “We're already there.”

 

“Nic!” The voice comes from far away. Nic is still staring at Veronica who meets his gaze. He tries to understand what she is saying. Already there...

 

“Nic! What are you- -? Hey, Nic!” He knows that voice. He turns around to see who it is that is calling him. He sees the warm glow of an illuminated hut. The door is open and someone is walking towards him from there.

 

He turns to asks Veronica what she meant but she is gone.

 

“What are you doing?” There are hands on his arms, slowly turning him around. It's Cameron Ellis.

 

Nic frowns. “You really shouldn't turn off your phone.” He pokes Ellis in the chest. “I tried to call you.”

 

“You did?” There is a hint of amusement on Ellis' face that Nic doesn't understand. “When was that?”

 

Nic tries to remember. “When I was running away from the Cult of Tanis. I tried to call you. You said you were looking for me.”

 

Ellis stays silent for a moment, clenching his jaw. “Come on,” He says then. “It's cold out here.”

 

Huh. It is cold. Nic is barefoot, only wearing a shirt he doesn't recognize. Right, Ellis' clothes. He lets himself be ushered back into the cabin. He sits down on the bed while Ellis clambers around in the kitchen. As Nic looks around the cabin and tries to piece together the events of the last hours he realizes it.

 

“I think I was dreaming.” Ellis makes a hum from the kitchen, signalizing he is listening so Nic continues. “I was dreaming. But. I think some might have been memories.” He raises his hand up to the wound at the back of his head. “The cult. That could have happened. And Veronica. But there was. Um, Ellis?”

 

Ellis walks over to him and hands him a mug full of hot liquid. “Tea. And please call me Cameron.”

 

“Mmh.” Nic isn't sure if he wants that last barrier to melt between them. He is the only one holding it up, Ellis has long been using his first name. “Has there been meteor in the last couple of days?”

 

Ellis looks at him strangely. It's not pity but Nic knows that he knows that Nic is breaking apart. “No. There has been no such event. At least not around here.”

 

“Just a dream,” Nic says and blows on his tea.

 

Ellis sits down next to him with a quiet sigh. There is still so much space between them. “How are you feeling, Nic?”

 

Nic shrugs. “Quiet.”

 

“Quiet?”

 

“Mmmh. Calm.” It's true. The terror is gone. The blur is silent. The cabin is warm and lit, banning the monsters back into the shadows.

 

“I think I understand my role now.” Nic watches Ellis' reaction but there is only a hint of interest and - - concern? “I'm the connection between here and there. You are all using me because I am the connection to Tanis.”

 

Ellis still doesn't react. “You're not even going to argue that you are using me?”

 

That makes Ellis sigh and look down on his hands. “I am using you the same way you are using me for your story. I would argue that I don't have any ill intent in using you.” He looks back up and Nic looks away.

 

“Veronica wants my help to find Tanis,” He list off because it's easier to talk about this than to take position to Ellis' statement. “The cult wants me to help their god cross into this world.”

 

“And you don't want to help them?” Ellis asks. There is no judgment in his voice.

 

Nic takes a sip of the tea. It fills him with a warmth that starts to radiate through his whole body, shooing away the last traces of the night time woods.

 

“It scares me,” He admits. “I have been researching Tanis for three years now. And most of what I have discovered leaves me terrified. It is still interesting. But if I have to consider that everything I read is real and out there - - and that it wants to come into our world through me- -”

 

He leans forward, staring at the wooden paneling on the floor. His heart hammers inside his chest. There is a crooked nail standing out of one of the planks.

 

“Sometimes - - sometimes I think this cannot be anything but evil.”

 

Nic feels a hand at the small of his back, warm and grounding. “'In Tanis, if they’re lucky, your seekers dreams can become reality. If they’re not, the Seeker enters a nightmare world, an unimaginable hell of their own creation'”

 

Nic knows what Ellis is quoting. The short story he had encountered at the very beginning of this road. Maybe he should have read it more carefully. “An unimaginable hell of their own creation.” Nic laughs helplessly. “I even put that in the intro.”

 

“You think that is what this is?” Ellis asks.

 

Nic puts down the mug on the floor and faces Ellis. He doesn't say this out loud. Never. Not even to Alex or MK. Because it sounds awful and cynic and he doesn't want to believe it. But it's been boiling inside him for so long; and he thinks Ellis can take it. “I think- -” His voice comes out as a rough whisper. “I think Tanis is the bad dream this world is having. I think Tanis is the mirror to humanities collective subconscious.”

 

Ellis just watches him. His hand is still on Nic's back. “What about the fountain of youth?”

 

Nic laughs and Ellis smiles with him. “Let me know when you find it,” Nic says. “Until now it's been mostly trauma and sleepless nights.”

 

When Ellis smiles the crinkles around his eyes deepen. “What dreams would you want to become reality?”

 

Nic thinks about Amalia and Alex laughing, hair mingling on their shoulders. He thinks about restful sleep, a good meal. A trip home to his parents. He looks at Ellis. He swallows hard.

 

“Try to sleep,” Ellis says and stands up. Before Nic can say anything Ellis leans down and presses a kiss to his forehead. He leaves Nic speechless and settles back on the couch. This time Nic needs a long time to fall asleep.

 

In his dreams he is back in the Pacific Northwest, hiking through the woods with the Runner. Veronica. The Novelist and the Zealot are not far behind them. This must be at the start of their journey, the blur hardly noticeable.

 

It's a memory. Nic remembers this conversation.

 

“Isn't it weird that there is such a focus on how to find Tanis?” Nic asks. He starts thinking of himself as the Witness but he's not quite there yet, still clinging to his old identity.

 

The Runner doesn't like talking. “What else is there to focus on?”

 

“How to leave, for example. There is nothing about how you leave - - _it_ again.” The Runner had thrown him a dirty look before he could use the name again.

 

“Maybe that's for a reason,” The Runner says harshly. She doesn't explain herself. She rarely does.

 

When Nic wakes up the next time it's still dark outside. Ellis is sleeping on the couch, back turned to Nic. He left the lights on and Nic is grateful for that. His dream leaves him uneasy. He starts wandering through the room, quietly as not to wake Ellis. He decides to do what he should have done as soon as he woke up.

 

He grabs his phone. On the way to the bathroom he sees Ellis' phone on the table. On a whim he takes it as well. In the bathroom he sits down on the closed toilet and calls Alex. She picks up after two rings. She sounds worried but he calms her down and tells her to talk to Paul and Terry as well. After that he tries to reach Veronica Pillman or Cult of Tanis Paul. But no luck.

 

He keeps sitting there for a while longer. Then he pulls Ellis' phone out of his pocket. He knows his pin because he had been looking over his shoulder earlier that day. It hadn't been his proudest moment. He opens the voice recorder app that comes with the phone. There are no recordings, Ellis doesn't seem to use it. Perfect. He starts a recording.

 

He doesn't dig through Ellis' emails or messages. No matter how far from civilization he is, he is still a reporter. He leaves the phone on the table where he found it.

 

He lies back down and tries to sleep. It doesn't come this time. Sometimes he hears movement outside but that's just the woods at night he tells himself. He remembers what Alex told him after her mandatory vacation where she had stayed alone in a cabin in the woods to escape her demonic nightmares. Yeah, he understands what a bad idea that had been now.

 

The morning finally comes and Ellis wakes to sway sleepily from bathroom to kitchen to table. Nic follows him to the table where fresh coffee greets him. Ellis is checking his phone, only offers Nic a nod of acknowledgment. It's oddly domestic.

 

“We're flying out tonight,” Ellis tells him twenty minutes later. “I got us a plane.”

 

“A plane,” Nic echoes. Not tickets. A fucking plane.

 

Ellis doesn't even seem to understand what Nic is getting at, just nods again.

 

Later Ellis changes Nic's bandages again. Nic thinks he is sitting closer today; their legs brushing against each other.

 

On the way to the car Nic gets lost.

 

The sun is still high in the sky. He takes a short glance into the woods around them and when he turns back car, cabin and Ellis are gone. He wants to start crying.

 

“What if it's not just one thing,” Veronica says next to him. She has her hands in the pockets of her jeans, looking casual and relaxed.

 

“Tanis?” Nic asks.

 

“We don't even understand the most basic shape of it,” Veronica says. “The only thing we can see are its effects.”

 

“It's possible,” Nic says. With Tanis, almost everything is possible.

 

“Tanis has been protecting you.” Veronica looks him directly in the eyes now.

 

“I don't feel protected,” Nic replies. “I feel pulled into every direction at once.”

 

“Sorry,” Veronica says like it's her fault. “You should go now. He is waiting.”

 

Nic knows that when he turns Veronica will be gone and Ellis and the cabin will be back again. “Who are you?” He asks her.

 

“I'm Veronica,” She says with a laugh. “Don't worry so much, Nicodemus. You'll get gray hairs.” She puts a hand on his arm. “If you really think that Tanis is the subconscious of humanity, then you have to accept that their might be as many parts to Tanis as there are people.”

 

Nic hears a door bang shut. He throws a quick glance over his shoulder to see Ellis walking away from the trunk of the car.

 

“Are you coming, Nic?” He asks.

 

“Yes.” Nic looks down on his arm where earth and leaves cling to his hoodie. “Yes.”

 

In the car he sees the comet again. He looks over to Ellis but he has his eyes on the road, no reaction. A few hours later they arrive at a small landing strip surrounded by nothingness. No trees, just flat grass; and something about that throws Nic out of the loop. He hurries behind Ellis from the car to the jet that waits for them. The wind cuts sharply. In the distant he hears a rumble like something moving under the earth is trying to catch up with them.

 

Ellis really got them a private jet. The pilot is American, greets them with a toothy grin before disappearing into his cabin. Nic sits down opposite of Ellis. As soon as they take off Nic stops clutching to the armrests.

 

“Better?” Ellis asks.

 

Nic studies his face. He tries to remember how he looked before Russia; if anything changed. But he comes to no conclusion. Nic looks out of the window.

 

“I've been seeing things lately,” Nic says. “This isn't one of those things, is it?”

 

Ellis stays quiet. Nic looks back at him. He is smiling. “No, Nic.”

 

A weight lifts of Nic's chest that he didn't even know was there. He bites his lip. Ellis stays completely still, leaving the decision where to turn at this crossroad up to Nic.

 

Nic closes his eyes for a moment and thinks about all the bad decisions he has made in the last years. What is one more? He opens his eyes again. He opens his hand. He didn't realize he had been clutching something in it the whole time: a red rock. Ellis leans forward, studying the rock. The space between them is so close that their knees knock together.

 

“What do you think it means?” Ellis asks.

 

Nic leans forward and kisses him. Ellis isn't surprised, of course not. Neither should be Nic. This has been brewing between them for months now. Nic initiated it. But the kiss still catches him of guard. He drops the rock so he can hold on to Ellis.

 

Ellis cups the back of his head with one hand, careful not to touch the bandages, and deepens the kiss. Nic goes along willingly. It takes him a moment to figure out that it is his heart and not the blur beating so loud in his head.

 

 

Nic doesn't think about the recording for a few weeks until he lies in Ellis' bed while Ellis is in the shower. He is bored, looking through Ellis' bedside reading for entertainment. Then he sees Ellis' phone. He remembers. The pin is still the same. Amateur move. Nic has to make MK give Ellis a lecture about cyber security.

 

First he listens to the voice mail. It's still there. Nic doesn't know why Ellis didn't delete it. It's weird to hear his own voice, thin and shaky.

 

“ _Hey - - is Nic. I'm in - - bad is happening - - You - - Can you - - need - - Find me.”_

 

With shaking hands Nic opens the recording app. There is one recording. For a second he contemplates not listening to it. He could put the phone away and pretend he didn't see it. He hits play. His own voice again, this time steadier.

 

“ _This is Nic Silver. I'm currently in Tunguska, Russia with Cameron Ellis. I don't know which day exactly._

_If you can hear this, Nic,_

 

 

_you're still in Tanis.”_

 

**Author's Note:**

> you cannot tell me that tanis would look at nic and not think he deserves the happy ending.


End file.
